Category Archives: Amusements

Lyrics for “Amendment-to-Be” (with Jack Sheldon, Pamela Hayden, and Harry Shearer)

Boy: [spoken] Hey, who left all this garbage lying on the steps of Congress?

Amendment: [spoken] I’m not garbage.

I’m an amendment to be
Yes, an amendment to be
And I’m hoping that they’ll ratify me
There’s a lot of flag burners
Who have got too much freedom
I wanna make it legal
For policemen
To beat ’em
‘Cause there’s limits to our liberties
‘Least I hope and pray that there are
‘Cause those liberal freaks go too far.

Boy: [spoken] But why can’t we just make a law against flag burning?

Amendment: [spoken] Because that law would be unconstitutional. But if we _changed_ the Constitution…

Boy: [spoken] Then we could make all sorts of crazy laws!

Amendment: [spoken] Now you’re catching on!

Boy: [spoken] But what if they say you’re not good enough to be in the Constitution?

Amendment: Then I’ll destroy all opposition to me
And I’ll make Ted Kennedy pay
If he fights back
I’ll say that he’s gay

Big Fat Guy: [running up] Good news, Amendment! They ratified ‘ya. You’re in the U.S. Constitution!

Amendment: Oh, yeah! Door’s open, boys!
[many bills and amendments run in, guns a-shooting and bombs a-flying]

After eight years away from newspapers, Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist Berkeley Breathed is creating a new comic strip called “Opus,” starring his beloved penguin of the same name.

The Washington Post Writers Group, which will syndicate the strip, is expected to officially announce Breathed’s return this Sunday. The reclusive Breathed, who rarely gives interviews, could not be reached yesterday for comment.

The new strip will appear on Sundays in The Washington Post starting Nov. 23.

Are you better than everyone else?

Working for idiots and losers?

Doing all the work but underpaid and under appreciated?

Then quit and join us.

We can take your bs if you can deliver the deals. We will kiss your ass and overpay you. You can come in late, take 2 hour lunches, forget to turn in your reports, scream at the staff, and pretty much do whatever else you want. We will even hide you when the police show up, tell lies to your wife (or husband) when she (he) calls, and look bill collectors right in the face and say we never heard of you.

All you have to do is sell like a maniac and put up or shut up by taking the gig on a commission only basis – no sales, no money.

Q: How much?

A: A realistic opportunity to earn $20K a month. Unless you’re a poser – then you get squat. Note the words “realistic” not fantasy, “opportunity” not guaranteed, “earn” not a giveaway salary.

Q: Who do I have to kill?

A: That’s optional. We pay extra.

Q: What’s the gig?

A: Sell money to lawyers on the phone.

A one-call close. A high level job doing business on the phone with professionals.

Q: What about the recession?

A: Screw the recession. Lawyers are like vultures – when something bad happens it’s time to eat!

Q: What experience do I have to have?

A: If you can sell at this level or have run a business then you the man (or woman). I could care less what you know or don’t know about the law. This is all about helping small business owners be more successful.

Q: Why should I work for you? How do I know you’re not a bunch of losers?

A: We’re the leaders in our space – a large mainstream market. We’re in our third sales year and cash positive from sales – we aren’t living off sucker (investor) money. We offer a unique product with no real competition. We have the legal, technical, and marketing expertise that the pretenders don’t have so we kick sand in their face and laugh. If you use Internet Explorer type “lawyer” into the search box and see who comes up on top. LegalMatch. We own the net and have tons of clients waiting for an attorney. Therefore the attorneys line up and have to sell us.

Q: Who the hell are you?

A: The VP Sales. A commission only top gun closer from way back. As a rep, I hated working for useless poser managers who couldn’t close a door let alone a deal and therefore couldn’t teach me anything and only got in my way. I told a few that they were no longer allowed to go on sales calls with me because they were stupid and would blurt out idiotic words like “discount” which cost me money. I vowed that when I got into a position of power I would literally design the company and product around the close and the rep. Mission accomplished. See it for yourself and be prepared to smile so much your face will hurt.

Q: Are you for real? Crazy? Some kinda comedian? Serious?

A: Yes.

Q: When do I start?

A: We start a training cycle every 2 weeks. If you impress me and are in a hurry I may let you start today and train later.

Q: What’s next?

A: Email a resume and tell me why I should hire you. Back up your bs fairy tales with some heroic stories about how you slay dragons and pull deals out of your . . . Make it good or I’ll drag your email into the trashcan with the other losers.

Q: This post is “unprofessional”. You can’t say this kinda stuff when recruiting. Blah, blah, blah . .

A: Professional is as professional does. We provide a real service in a win-win truly ethical manner and tell no lies. Which is more than you can say for Enron, Arthur Andersen, Imclone, WorldCom, Tyco, and the rest of those crooks. Feel free to send me your best flame – just make it interesting. I plan on reading the best ones at our IPO party some day.