Category Archives: Amusements

Who would have guessed that Massachusetts drivers knew nothing about driving? (if you’ve ever driven around the Boston area, you’ll get the joke)

From CNN:

bq.. When faced with a written test, similar to ones given to beginning drivers applying for licenses, one in ten drivers couldn’t get a passing score, according to a study commissioned by GMAC Insurance.

Drivers in the Northeast and mid-Atlantic states did worst. Twenty percent of test-takers failed there.

The state of Rhode Island leads the nation in driver cluelessness, according to the survey. The average test score there was 77, just eight points above a failing grade.

Those in neighboring Massachusetts were second worst and New Jersey, third worst.

For instance, one out of five drivers doesn’t know that a pedestrian in a crosswalk has the right of way, and one out of three drivers speeds up to make a yellow light, even when pedestrians are present, the study said.

Drivers not only lack basic road knowledge, but exhibit dangerous driving behavior as well.

*William Safire’s Rules for Writers*

1. Remember to never split an infinitive.
2. The passive voice should never be used.
3. Do not put statements in the negative form.
4. Verbs have to agree with their subject.
5. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
6. A writer must not shift your point of view.
7. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
8. Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.
9. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!!
10. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
11. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
12. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
13. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
14. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
15. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
16. Always pick on the correct idiom.
17. The adverb always follows the verb.
18. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Link

Via Something Awful. This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Highlights:

bq.. A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.

bq.. What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?

A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

bq.. How do you drown a blonde?

Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

bq.. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

Repeated absences and stealing.

bq.. A man walks into a bar.

He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.

Here’s today’s fortune via my Linux box:

bq.. The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature’s maxim, ‘Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,’ and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
— Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

From twinkies.com via Boing Boing:

Hostess Twinkies Sushi

Japanese animation, Hello Kitty, samurais, ninjas, and Sushi are really popular right now! Here’s a wild recipe that’s super easy to make and super fun to eat as a light and fruity snack! This recipe transforms the much loved Twinkie into a hip and tropical flavored treat.

Items Needed:

• 3 Hostess Twinkies
• Assorted dried fruits
• Assorted fruity candies
• 2 green fruit roll ups
• Dried mangoes (looks like pickled ginger)

DIRECTIONS:
Slice Hostess Twinkies into pieces about an inch tall. Slice fruit roll ups in strips to be long enough and wide enough to wrap around the Hostess Twinkie pieces. Wrap the fruit roll ups around the Hostess Twinkie pieces. Place dried fruits and candies into the cream filling. Place Twinkie rolls on a plate or in a bento box. Garnish with strips of dried mango to resemble pickled ginger if you wish! Serve with chopsticks if you wish.

I was playing around with the night vision feature of my digital camcorder today. It makes my sons look downright eeeeevillllll…

Evil Tommy

Evil Petey

Fear the Jarnot children…

• Monkeys in the News – http://monkeydaynews.blogspot.com/
• Monkey Day – http://www.monkeyday.com/
• Monkey Heaven – http://www.monkeyheaven.com/
• Steve “Monkey Boy” Ballmer video – http://www.ntk.net/ballmer/mirrors.html
• Spank the Monkey – http://www.addictinggames.com/monkey.html
• Sea-Monkeys – http://www.sea-monkeys.com/
• Monkey Hot-or-Not – http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0011/monkey/
• Jamie Jarnot – http://www.jamesjarnot.com

As seen in the men’s locker room at my local gym:

Please refrain from bringing oatmeal into the shower.

Wall Street traders acting like zombies because of Red Sox-Yankees marathon games

If some traders on Wall Street have seemed a bit groggy lately, it’s simple enough to explain: the Red Sox and the Yankees.

Major League Baseball’s American League championship series between the New York Yankees and archrival Boston Red Sox is leaving Wall Street staffed with bleary-eyed baseball fans who’ve been glued to their TV sets during three marathon games in as many nights.