Real Life Dilbertisms

This may or may not be true (Snopes does not mention it), so caveat lector.

A magazine ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest. They were looking for people
to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are
the finalists:

“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” (This was the
winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

“What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.”
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business.” (Accounting manager, Electric Boat

“This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more
important interfere with it.” (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel Service)

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”

“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let
you know when it’s time to tell them.” (R&D supervisor, Minnesota
Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

“My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.” (CIO of
Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I
told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss
work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change
her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.”
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long
Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo
mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon
enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

About Kevin

Kevin Jarnot is a technologist who lives just South of Boston, MA. He is currently employed as Chief Technology Officer at Micronotes, an AI-driven conversation-marketing company based in Boston, MA.
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