Best Job Ad Copy Ever

From the Random mailing list:

Web Developer

So you were a top Web Developer, once, many years ago, until the
“correction”. Now nobody cares and you are shunned in public, much as
lepers were in the fifteenth century. Your modern-day equivalent of the
chiming bell and vile burbling exclamations of “Unclean! Unclean!” is
the obnoxious ringtone on your expensive mobile. There’s a good chance
you listen to either Sisters of Mercy and Bauhaus or elaborate Paul
Oakenfold remixes, with a bit of bootlegged Chemical Brothers thrown in
for good measure. Maybe you find yourself missing the ashtray
completely, and your ESC through F3 keys are thoroughly clogged up with
burned, cancerous grey flakes. For better or for worse, you’re familiar
with such repugnant images as and know what STFU means. In
all probability your beverage of choice is Jolt/Columbian Cola, and you
have the weeping stomach ulcers to prove it. You give copies of
Photoshop 7.0 to your friends, thereby depriving a fat CEO somewhere of
a heated driveway. You have a world-crushing collection of MP3s. Your
author of choice: Neal Stephenson or William Gibson. You have every
volume of Gaiman’s Sandman series, though you decided after Volume III
that it`s all a bit of a wank. Sometimes, you pretend you are in The
Matrix. Your half-elf mage/rogue is at Level 9, and has actually worked
out how to put a Bag of Holding within another Bag of Holding without
imploding Ravenloft. You can pronounce “Urotsukidoji” without hurting
yourself, and can rocket-jump better than anyone you know. You have a
bit of an attitude when it comes to Windows XP, and you like to
recompile kernels.

Your spine looks like a u-bend.

Others may call you freakish. We call you lovely. And in reward for
your loveliness, we would like to offer you this mildly exciting
opportunity, if your idea of excitement is a RAM upgrade:

This is a fun little two week contract for a reasonably experienced Web
Developer with plenty of HTML (well, duh), JavaScript and ASP know-how.
Ideally you will also be fluent in the, and I quote, “uploading of ASP
pages from a SAP business connector”. I said that out loud and
Shub-Niggurath appeared and attempted to devour my soul through some
impressive shambling and ominous tentacle-writhing, so I won’t
investigate it any further.

But anyway, that’s the deal. Either you like it or you don’t, and we’re
not about to tell you either way. It’s a two week contract for a
company here in the city, and will probably be paying about $25 per
hour, commensurate with experience. So apply now (or don’t), or call
Gary Fernandes for more information.

About Kevin

Kevin Jarnot is a technologist who lives just South of Boston, MA. He is currently employed as Chief Technology Officer at Micronotes, an AI-driven conversation-marketing company based in Boston, MA.
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